This week’s blog is a personal journal entry about how the Lord spoke to me regarding a part of my identity that I thought was “who I am.” However, He is inviting me into a different way of being. As you read this, I pray that you allow God to speak to you about your own identity and how He wants to bring truth, healing, and new life!
For as long as I can remember, I have fantasized about having more time alone. I imagined what it would be like to go on a vacation by myself or to be stranded on a remote island, and in these fantasies, I always thrive. I truly enjoy my own presence; I love being in my thoughts—dreaming, writing, planning, journaling, processing, healing, growing, and simply thinking. I can live inside my head, and I find it very enjoyable. I can transport myself in my mind anywhere and find great satisfaction wherever I go.
Sometimes, this fantasy scares me because I know I don’t actually want to be alone in life; I don’t desire a life without people. I genuinely love being around others and consider myself a people person. Yet, there is a hidden part of me that longs to remain concealed. I often feel that there is nowhere or no one safe in this world with whom I can trust my innermost thoughts and feelings. This longing to be alone feels like a companion, continually affirming that I should stay hidden, withhold, and protect my truest feelings and thoughts. It draws me deeper into my inner world, convincing me that this is where I must stay; it feels safe, and here I am most at peace.
The irony is that I am never physically alone. And when I say never, I literally mean never. I have never truly experienced what it is to be alone. I grew up in a large family, surrounded by people at all times. I met my husband at a young age, and we do everything together, and I mean everything. We have always done everything together. He is my best friend. I have four kids, and my life has been filled with people and activity. I must wake up at 5 AM if I want any time alone; it’s the only time I can find to be physically by myself, and I cherish it. It’s one of the most special times of my day. I love it so much that sometimes when someone else wakes up, I feel a pang of sadness that my alone time is over.
There is a part of my identity that says things like, “I am an internal processor; I don’t need to talk about my feelings.” These types of identity statements add bricks to the walls of my heart, keeping my truest self protected from being vulnerable and known. So, even though I am never physically alone, I have created an emotional world of aloneness where my only companions are me, myself, and I—though sometimes I allow Jesus into that space.
This year is about embarking on a climb—perhaps the climb of my life, possibly the hardest thing I will ever do. Is this it? Is this a journey of truly being known? A journey into my inner world of feelings, emotions, vulnerability, and intimacy, where I believe there is something I have never truly experienced. I believe there is a gift to behold, a power to tap into, and freedom, joy, and a depth of true love that I may have never known. I cannot truly love God unless I can genuinely be known by His love for me. Love cannot be fully expressed in only one way; I cannot truly love you without allowing you to love me back.
Are you willing to lay down every part of “who you are” at the foot of the cross and allow God to bring Lordship, healing and new life as He roots your identity in Him?
